We need a new digital camera

I'm tired of our camera, new batteries go dead within 15 minutes. Sump'n aint right. It's a battery black hole.

I jammed with Michael B yesterday, it was great. He's got an interesting way of writing music, as he says, "with [his] heart." I think he's naturally got a good ear for what sounds good. I'd like to teach him how to read notation, and help him understand the fretboard a little more academically. Not quite as academically as me - that wouldn't be a good thing!

I like that guy. Deep waters there.

And I miss Carlos, I haven't seen that kid in a while. Wonder where he been at?

I haven't read my Bible much lately. I know I need to - I want to be prepared to answer anyone who asks me the reason for the hope that I have, and I also want to be able to quote God's promises to myself. But I've been having some really good prayer, which has helped me to be surrendered about things - money, job, my music, death, other things.

a quote for posterity

"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than yesterday."
-Jonathan Swift

I don't trust our government

Not one branch of it. Not one bit.

i need some encouragement

And when I think that God, his Son not sparing,
sent him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
he bled and died, to take away my sin.

When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
and there proclaim, "MY GOD, HOW GREAT THOU ART!"

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to thee,
"How great thou art!
How great thou art!"
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to thee,
"How great thou art!
How great thou art!"

A thought

I have problems with being 'out of myself.' I believe that's where my performance anxiety comes from, that's where my social anxiety stems from. I've been looking for a way out for a very long time, I've been looking for a remedy to both of those (and more issues, like a fear of getting too 'personal' in public, or even sometimes in private with only one or two people) for so long. Like, I want to be able to perform musically and have a really good time doing it. I want to be able to dance and sing loud, and even act (to some extent. I have no interest in being a professional actor - but it takes acting to make music videos, doesn't it?). I have so many fears that, when you really think through it, are very irrational. Despite what someone may tell me to make me 'feel better', it is very irrational to fear having people see what's deep inside of you. CAUSE EVERYONE WANTS THAT! Everyone wants to be known, no one WANTS to feel like a fraud or like they have to wear a disguise in front of everyone. Granted, everyone also wants to be loved for who they really are - after they've been exposed and the disguise has been removed. And life isn't fair, you don't always receive acceptance after that kind of emotional de-pants-ing. But is it such a bad thing, not being loved by people when they've seen the real 'you'? I mean...let's be honest. Most people are unloving anyway. So why should I fear that they won't love me after I've let them see deep inside of me, when they probably wouldn't have really loved me regardless??

I think the answer boils down to humility. It's an issue of wanting to be praised; if I don't need praise from people, I can do whatever I am compelled by love and by God to do, without fear of reprisal. 'Cause people are gonna chastise whether you do good or bad, or whether you play or sing well or terribly. If it's never good enough for them anyway, and the bar has been set higher than I'll ever be able to reach, then why am I worried about trying to reach it? To quote Victor -

'Does your problem have a solution?'
'Yes, it has a solution.'
'Then it has a solution. What are you worried about?'

'Does your problem have a solution?'
'No, it has no solution.'
'Then you have no control over it. Why worry about something that you can't control?'

I've never been in a band that has gigged. I haven't had much interest in gigging anyway. But I think that has more to do with my fear of exposing my fragile self to people (hence, my performance anxiety) than it does with not having too much interest in playing shows. So I need to tackle this...

Resolutions for the rest of this year:

1. Start singing with the part-singers at church.
2. Sing in the studio, have someone record me and my music instead of recording myself.
3. Play guitar in the studio, have someone record my music.
4. Give the welcome at church.

Interesting, I like the way this lady talks. Thought someone else might as well. www.thefinalword.tv

My favorite quote is from her "Pastor Worship" vid: "I have one Master, I have one Father, I have one Teacher, and his name is Jesus Christ, and I am going to serve my brethren in humility."

"We are not here for the things of this world, we are here to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ to you."

I also saw another great video this morning (because our website was down and I couldn't do any of my work!!). Run For Your Life

Enjoy!! And have a great Wednesday.

IT'S THE LONDON SOUND!!!

That's it, that's what I've been looking for. Classic New York and L.A. mixing styles have some great distinguishing techniques, but I've been trying to use those techniques to get mixes that have been lacking a certain je ne sais quoi, a particular spontaneous 'life' of their own. It's the "London Sound," I've been chasing it like a... like a Green Beret... in like, the jungle or something. Trying to get Charlie. In a war.

"It's very hard to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie, they're all named Nguyen or Tran..."
"Well, how are you going about it?"
"Well, we walk up to someone and say, 'Are you the enemy?' And, if they say yes, then we shoot them."

Anyways, check out Seal's "Get It Together" and, of course, everyone knows Yes's "Owner of a Lonely Heart." Compare with Van Halen's self-titled album (LA style) and Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" (New York style). I'm thinking that the London Sound is becoming much more prominent in pop music (but a lot of pop music these days is coming from England, isn't it? Check out Adele, James Morrison), even in music coming out of the US. With distinct little sound worlds that change between verses, prechoruses, choruses, etc., I think it's better able to engage the relatively short attention spans of our generation. A few too many TV Program-commercials-TV Program-commercials ad nauseum cycles, a few too many iPods and portable jukeboxes, far too many internet ads, and far too many things to do have made a lot of us very impatient when it comes to listening to new music.
That's enough of my tirade!

Have a great Thursday!

I must have some kind of perception disorder

I say that half sarcastically, half curious. I've always wondered if I have something like that, though. Because when I say something that I think has been aptly spoken, people often seem to think it's been said completely out of place and out of the blue. And what I think I have phrased fairly intuitively and unequivocally regarding facts I know to be true, often seems to be an invocation of all sorts of correction, criticism, and debate.

I think I'm being clear (sometimes). Maybe I ramble quite a bit, but that's different than not knowing what I'm talking about. Sometimes I ramble and I do not in fact know what I'm talking about. Please, if it's that obvious, correct me. But so often I know exactly what I'm talking about, and I get interrupted, corrected, argued with...

I know I look like a very young man. I don't know why some 16 year olds look older than I do at 25. I don't have much hair, or much muscle (any more), my voice isn't very deep, and I'm not very tall. I know my looks disguise my age. And people seem to regard me as immature and undiscerning, for that reason, and I seem to get dismissed very quickly.

And now I think I'm complaining. But what's fascinating is that when I am NOT complaining, people assume that I am complaining! I remember days at M&S, when I would have difficulty with a given task. When you've got people walking past you and they see that you're having difficulty, it's always just a tad awkward - you don't want them to think you're weak or that you easily give up. SOOOOO you say something pretty innocuous, just thinking out loud, like "Man, stinkin' wingnuts... come on! Fit in that hole!" And some impatient guy walks over and insists that he take over the job because he hears a complaining 'tone' and assumes that you don't want to do your work. So he gets frustrated because he thinks you're being lazy and complaining, and you're burning up because you meant no such thing and want him to keep his nose out of your business. Is it better to just not say anything at all? I don't know!

Anyways, that's enough of that. I just had to vent, cause it happened again today. I'm not sure if I'm crazy or the rest of the world is. I think we both know the answer to that. Or at least I do. You're probably too crazy to understand.

Does anyone else feel like an orange in a juicer?

I do. Today hasn't been a 'bad' day, per se. It feels more like a 'chasing after the wind' day. I've been feeling a little crushed by the prospect of not amounting to much. I feel squished and all of my mojo has been drained, like a proverbial Austin Powers.

Adventure seems so far away, and all of the great things I aspire to don't even seem to appear on the horizon, they seem to have moved beyond it. I don't need to accomplish much, and I don't want glory. I don't need to be the best at something, or that anyone ever know about anything I do. But I do need, for my sake, to live a life that is adventurous. And right now I feel like a pet chinchilla. And anyone who's ever had, known someone who had, or is familiar in any way with pet chinchillas knows that they are fairly useless creatures and are kept sealed up in cages most of the time.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I just wonder sometimes if the career and life choices I've made are converging on a path that is very flat and well-trodden. I don't want to just live until I get old and die. I want to.... fight a bear to the death! I want to fly a helicopter. I want to dig wells in small African towns. I want my children to grow up in a country where I don't have permanent citizenship. I don't want fast food or TV or the American Dream.

Maybe I'm just tired. I did stay up late last night...

God's Chisel

This resonated with me. God's Chisel

I know no one reads this, but maybe I'll come back someday and revisit this video. Maybe I'll feel differently then and wonder why this video made me react so strongly.

so...what, teaching now?

I guess! We'll see. Maybe not feasible. But I think I'd like to teach third or second grade. I only wonder if all the deadlines have passed to get certification for next year. I imagine they have.

Things are not going well, and I have prayed about these "things." I have been negative the last few days (weeks??), but I need to trust that God has control of how these next few difficult months will unfurl, and even if this "ship" is going down, I won't drown. So I need to stop panicking, probably drink less coffee, pay more attention in school, and work off what little I have left of my butt.

Working

siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Some days it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I know what Solomon meant when he said our toil is like 'chasing after the wind'. For anyone who doesn't understand that statement, ask me to elaborate. I can give you thousands of examples from my daily life.

My stomach is sinking today; I just feel so incredibly jittery and useless at work. It's not necessarily the economy, and it's not the company. It's just the trend, it's the times a-changing.

Dunno what's gonna happen. "Outlook not so good," to quote the 8 Ball.

i am a torn raincoat

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him."

And now for something completely different - a poem I wrote a few years ago. In retrospect, I think it was a very pertinent preface to my redemption. I knew it was about redemption when I wrote it, but in a way I didn't expect. What I was really looking and hoping for became clearer when I met God in the midst of 2005's despair. I'll use the term 'despair' lightly... and then, not-so-lightly, because I really did want to die. I just didn't want to kill myself. But I wanted to 'accidentally' drive my car off every bridge I crossed or flip it on the highway, or 'fall off' tall buildings around campus. In the end, though, I didn't do any of those things, partially out of fear, but now in hindsight I see I also didn't do them because I was never granted sufficient hopelessness. I was being protected - I was a hurting child being cradled. And now I'm getting too esoteric and sappy, so I'll move on...

"Untitled" copyright 2005 Joel Daniels
These tensions,
these resolutions,
are driving in droves like threshers
through fields of me
which effloresced
and grew and are dying with such lucent purple passion
that even as I swathe myself in gauze and stagger eyeless,
a pariah in badlands of loveliness -
fetid of blood and alcohol and butterscotch fluids -
I see and know that hot steel and suspicious oil
may cleave and hurt
with endless droning malediction;
but when the oil is exhausted,
the shears rusty from disuse,
and I have died more times
than I care to recall,
God's grounds will bloom again
and I will fall to sleep
in my own purple arms.



And so, re-examining some artifacts from a former life, I have to ask myself - "Was I really that bad?" The answer is yes, yes I was. And yes, I still am. But there's more grace in this place, more compassion. I'm loved though I'm undesirable, and that makes me more grateful here than I ever would have been there.


In The Care of Morning Light by Joel Daniels 2005

I just realized I love U2

Is it just me, or is U2's early stuff crazy impressive? I've been listening to 'October' lately - I'm listening to "Gloria" right now - and I've never realized how much I was missing out on. I remember reading an article in Guitar World or SPIN or some other such tripe back in the day (this was back when I used to listen to a lot of 80's thrash metal) - Bono was quoted as saying that with their newest record they wanted to get back to making really good "pop music." I remembered being so infuriated by that statement. That made him a sell-out in my book, and I had all but completely written them off as posers.

In retrospect, I can say I was very naive. I missed out on YEARS of celebrating U2's music. I've been exploring some of Coldplay's influences lately, which is what prompted this discovery. I had an urge to listen to "Where The Streets Have No Name" and "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (I've always liked both of those, whatever my feelings for everything else they put out). I was tired of listening to both of those songs on repeat for more than half an hour, so I dug into their older albums. I stumbled on "Rejoice" from 'October' - I say 'stumbled,' but I'm understating how encouraged my soul has been by discovering this music, so when I say 'stumbled on,' I mean 'was led to' - and I haven't been able to stop listening to this album since.

Let me also confess that I didn't realize how deep Bono really was (/is?). Permit me to demonstrate:

I try to sing this song I...I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet
I try, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete
Gloria...in te domine
Gloria...exultate
Gloria...Gloria
Oh Lord, loosen my lips
I try to sing this song
I...I try to get in
But I can't find the door
The door is open
You're standing there
You let me in
Gloria...in te domine
Gloria...exultate
Oh Lord, if I had anything
Anything at all
I'd give it to you
I'd give it to you

from "Gloria"

He's building, I'll follow
In my bed when I woke up
To what he has said
Everything's crazy
But I'm too lazy to lie
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I supposed to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
If I rejoice
Rejoice...

from "Rejoice"

Interestingly, I L.O.V.E. the guitar part from "Rejoice" as much as if not more than I L.O.V.E. the guitar part from Coldplay's "Talk", although not so interestingly, because the guitars, overdrive and delay and even reverb used are very similar. In fact, most of 'X & Y' sounds vaguely reminiscent of this kind of early 80s pop/rock...

I'm not sure what the point of this first post was. I guess that's the point of the first post.