A thought

I have problems with being 'out of myself.' I believe that's where my performance anxiety comes from, that's where my social anxiety stems from. I've been looking for a way out for a very long time, I've been looking for a remedy to both of those (and more issues, like a fear of getting too 'personal' in public, or even sometimes in private with only one or two people) for so long. Like, I want to be able to perform musically and have a really good time doing it. I want to be able to dance and sing loud, and even act (to some extent. I have no interest in being a professional actor - but it takes acting to make music videos, doesn't it?). I have so many fears that, when you really think through it, are very irrational. Despite what someone may tell me to make me 'feel better', it is very irrational to fear having people see what's deep inside of you. CAUSE EVERYONE WANTS THAT! Everyone wants to be known, no one WANTS to feel like a fraud or like they have to wear a disguise in front of everyone. Granted, everyone also wants to be loved for who they really are - after they've been exposed and the disguise has been removed. And life isn't fair, you don't always receive acceptance after that kind of emotional de-pants-ing. But is it such a bad thing, not being loved by people when they've seen the real 'you'? I mean...let's be honest. Most people are unloving anyway. So why should I fear that they won't love me after I've let them see deep inside of me, when they probably wouldn't have really loved me regardless??

I think the answer boils down to humility. It's an issue of wanting to be praised; if I don't need praise from people, I can do whatever I am compelled by love and by God to do, without fear of reprisal. 'Cause people are gonna chastise whether you do good or bad, or whether you play or sing well or terribly. If it's never good enough for them anyway, and the bar has been set higher than I'll ever be able to reach, then why am I worried about trying to reach it? To quote Victor -

'Does your problem have a solution?'
'Yes, it has a solution.'
'Then it has a solution. What are you worried about?'

'Does your problem have a solution?'
'No, it has no solution.'
'Then you have no control over it. Why worry about something that you can't control?'

I've never been in a band that has gigged. I haven't had much interest in gigging anyway. But I think that has more to do with my fear of exposing my fragile self to people (hence, my performance anxiety) than it does with not having too much interest in playing shows. So I need to tackle this...

Resolutions for the rest of this year:

1. Start singing with the part-singers at church.
2. Sing in the studio, have someone record me and my music instead of recording myself.
3. Play guitar in the studio, have someone record my music.
4. Give the welcome at church.