I must have some kind of perception disorder

I say that half sarcastically, half curious. I've always wondered if I have something like that, though. Because when I say something that I think has been aptly spoken, people often seem to think it's been said completely out of place and out of the blue. And what I think I have phrased fairly intuitively and unequivocally regarding facts I know to be true, often seems to be an invocation of all sorts of correction, criticism, and debate.

I think I'm being clear (sometimes). Maybe I ramble quite a bit, but that's different than not knowing what I'm talking about. Sometimes I ramble and I do not in fact know what I'm talking about. Please, if it's that obvious, correct me. But so often I know exactly what I'm talking about, and I get interrupted, corrected, argued with...

I know I look like a very young man. I don't know why some 16 year olds look older than I do at 25. I don't have much hair, or much muscle (any more), my voice isn't very deep, and I'm not very tall. I know my looks disguise my age. And people seem to regard me as immature and undiscerning, for that reason, and I seem to get dismissed very quickly.

And now I think I'm complaining. But what's fascinating is that when I am NOT complaining, people assume that I am complaining! I remember days at M&S, when I would have difficulty with a given task. When you've got people walking past you and they see that you're having difficulty, it's always just a tad awkward - you don't want them to think you're weak or that you easily give up. SOOOOO you say something pretty innocuous, just thinking out loud, like "Man, stinkin' wingnuts... come on! Fit in that hole!" And some impatient guy walks over and insists that he take over the job because he hears a complaining 'tone' and assumes that you don't want to do your work. So he gets frustrated because he thinks you're being lazy and complaining, and you're burning up because you meant no such thing and want him to keep his nose out of your business. Is it better to just not say anything at all? I don't know!

Anyways, that's enough of that. I just had to vent, cause it happened again today. I'm not sure if I'm crazy or the rest of the world is. I think we both know the answer to that. Or at least I do. You're probably too crazy to understand.

Does anyone else feel like an orange in a juicer?

I do. Today hasn't been a 'bad' day, per se. It feels more like a 'chasing after the wind' day. I've been feeling a little crushed by the prospect of not amounting to much. I feel squished and all of my mojo has been drained, like a proverbial Austin Powers.

Adventure seems so far away, and all of the great things I aspire to don't even seem to appear on the horizon, they seem to have moved beyond it. I don't need to accomplish much, and I don't want glory. I don't need to be the best at something, or that anyone ever know about anything I do. But I do need, for my sake, to live a life that is adventurous. And right now I feel like a pet chinchilla. And anyone who's ever had, known someone who had, or is familiar in any way with pet chinchillas knows that they are fairly useless creatures and are kept sealed up in cages most of the time.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I just wonder sometimes if the career and life choices I've made are converging on a path that is very flat and well-trodden. I don't want to just live until I get old and die. I want to.... fight a bear to the death! I want to fly a helicopter. I want to dig wells in small African towns. I want my children to grow up in a country where I don't have permanent citizenship. I don't want fast food or TV or the American Dream.

Maybe I'm just tired. I did stay up late last night...

God's Chisel

This resonated with me. God's Chisel

I know no one reads this, but maybe I'll come back someday and revisit this video. Maybe I'll feel differently then and wonder why this video made me react so strongly.