I guess! We'll see. Maybe not feasible. But I think I'd like to teach third or second grade. I only wonder if all the deadlines have passed to get certification for next year. I imagine they have.
Things are not going well, and I have prayed about these "things." I have been negative the last few days (weeks??), but I need to trust that God has control of how these next few difficult months will unfurl, and even if this "ship" is going down, I won't drown. So I need to stop panicking, probably drink less coffee, pay more attention in school, and work off what little I have left of my butt.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Working
siiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Some days it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I know what Solomon meant when he said our toil is like 'chasing after the wind'. For anyone who doesn't understand that statement, ask me to elaborate. I can give you thousands of examples from my daily life.
My stomach is sinking today; I just feel so incredibly jittery and useless at work. It's not necessarily the economy, and it's not the company. It's just the trend, it's the times a-changing.
Dunno what's gonna happen. "Outlook not so good," to quote the 8 Ball.
Some days it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I know what Solomon meant when he said our toil is like 'chasing after the wind'. For anyone who doesn't understand that statement, ask me to elaborate. I can give you thousands of examples from my daily life.
My stomach is sinking today; I just feel so incredibly jittery and useless at work. It's not necessarily the economy, and it's not the company. It's just the trend, it's the times a-changing.
Dunno what's gonna happen. "Outlook not so good," to quote the 8 Ball.
Friday, May 8, 2009
i am a torn raincoat
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him."
And now for something completely different - a poem I wrote a few years ago. In retrospect, I think it was a very pertinent preface to my redemption. I knew it was about redemption when I wrote it, but in a way I didn't expect. What I was really looking and hoping for became clearer when I met God in the midst of 2005's despair. I'll use the term 'despair' lightly... and then, not-so-lightly, because I really did want to die. I just didn't want to kill myself. But I wanted to 'accidentally' drive my car off every bridge I crossed or flip it on the highway, or 'fall off' tall buildings around campus. In the end, though, I didn't do any of those things, partially out of fear, but now in hindsight I see I also didn't do them because I was never granted sufficient hopelessness. I was being protected - I was a hurting child being cradled. And now I'm getting too esoteric and sappy, so I'll move on...
"Untitled" copyright 2005 Joel Daniels
These tensions,
these resolutions,
are driving in droves like threshers
through fields of me
which effloresced
and grew and are dying with such lucent purple passion
that even as I swathe myself in gauze and stagger eyeless,
a pariah in badlands of loveliness -
fetid of blood and alcohol and butterscotch fluids -
I see and know that hot steel and suspicious oil
may cleave and hurt
with endless droning malediction;
but when the oil is exhausted,
the shears rusty from disuse,
and I have died more times
than I care to recall,
God's grounds will bloom again
and I will fall to sleep
in my own purple arms.
And so, re-examining some artifacts from a former life, I have to ask myself - "Was I really that bad?" The answer is yes, yes I was. And yes, I still am. But there's more grace in this place, more compassion. I'm loved though I'm undesirable, and that makes me more grateful here than I ever would have been there.
In The Care of Morning Light by Joel Daniels 2005
And now for something completely different - a poem I wrote a few years ago. In retrospect, I think it was a very pertinent preface to my redemption. I knew it was about redemption when I wrote it, but in a way I didn't expect. What I was really looking and hoping for became clearer when I met God in the midst of 2005's despair. I'll use the term 'despair' lightly... and then, not-so-lightly, because I really did want to die. I just didn't want to kill myself. But I wanted to 'accidentally' drive my car off every bridge I crossed or flip it on the highway, or 'fall off' tall buildings around campus. In the end, though, I didn't do any of those things, partially out of fear, but now in hindsight I see I also didn't do them because I was never granted sufficient hopelessness. I was being protected - I was a hurting child being cradled. And now I'm getting too esoteric and sappy, so I'll move on...
"Untitled" copyright 2005 Joel Daniels
These tensions,
these resolutions,
are driving in droves like threshers
through fields of me
which effloresced
and grew and are dying with such lucent purple passion
that even as I swathe myself in gauze and stagger eyeless,
a pariah in badlands of loveliness -
fetid of blood and alcohol and butterscotch fluids -
I see and know that hot steel and suspicious oil
may cleave and hurt
with endless droning malediction;
but when the oil is exhausted,
the shears rusty from disuse,
and I have died more times
than I care to recall,
God's grounds will bloom again
and I will fall to sleep
in my own purple arms.
And so, re-examining some artifacts from a former life, I have to ask myself - "Was I really that bad?" The answer is yes, yes I was. And yes, I still am. But there's more grace in this place, more compassion. I'm loved though I'm undesirable, and that makes me more grateful here than I ever would have been there.
In The Care of Morning Light by Joel Daniels 2005
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